Writing this is weird. I never really thought I’d have to do this. I guess this is more for me than anything. I actually want to thank you. Thank you for this lesson you taught me. I was never able to admit this to myself until now, but my feelings for you were more than I even realized. I can’t say it was love, but you made me feel something I had never felt for someone before. I wanted you to want me so much, that I gave up so much more than I intended, because I thought maybe, just maybe, that you would “wake up” and see that I was ready to give that and more. And that maybe you would choose to stay. I wanted to show you that I was willing to grow with you. Willing to motivate you, and be there for you in any and every way that I could be. To help inspire you and remind you of what a wonderful human being I thought you were. But with all dreams, that came to an end. What was it exactly? Is it because I’m not beautiful? Was it because of my emotional instability? I still have trouble trying to figure out why you couldn’t stay. But I know I needed to let go. Let you go. But still, i can’t ignore the fact that every time I think of you, the things I shared with you that I couldn’t trust anyone else with, and the good times that we had, that it hurts like hell. It hurts more than any kind of physical pain. It breaks my heart time and time again each time I come to the realization that throughout it all, you never felt the same. That you only continued because maybe you felt pity, or because of the physical comfort you got from it. That those nights we spent with each other meant absolutely nothing to you. And maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I overthought my place in your life. Maybe I read in to everything too much. But it’s not fair. It’s not fair that you were able to just wash your hands of me so easily, and I’m stuck. I’m stuck crying myself to sleep wondering what I did wrong. Wondering how I managed to fuck this up. HATING myself because I feel unlovable. Hating who I was for being so destructive to myself after this ended. But at least it’s easier now, to see you around. Even when you’re with her. I guess what still hurts now is that this experience made me feel like so much less. That I was this unlovable, ugly thing. And the fact that I trusted you. I trusted you with so much. So much about what has happened in my life to make me who I am today. And I regret that. I regret ever opening up to you. Because even though you know so much about me, you still feel like a fucking stranger. And I wish I never let my guard down. Because the one time I ever did, it wasn’t even worth it. But again, I thank you. Thank you for making me realize that so deserve so much more than that. That I deserve so much more than what you gave me. That even though i spend nights crying myself to sleep because it still hurts, that I’m a beautiful person capable of being loved. Just know that I don’t hate you. Even though I feel like I should, and people around me make me feel like I should sometimes, I don’t think I can ever hate you. I’m ready to move on, and continue my life the way I want to live it, and thankfully I’m happier now. I hope you’re happy too.
